


All You Had To Do Was Live

by titaniumsansa



Category: Young Justice (Cartoon), Young Justice - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Christmas Fluff, Christmas Party, F/F, F/M, Five Stages of Grief, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay, Gen, Grief/Mourning, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I blame sunkelles, Oneshot, Party, Snaibsel, YJ, holiday party, what I wanted to happen, zatannamis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-20 14:48:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13148928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/titaniumsansa/pseuds/titaniumsansa
Summary: Wally is dead and Artemis is learning how to deal with it. Spitfire and Snaibsel.





	All You Had To Do Was Live

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sunkelles](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunkelles/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Over the Shadowy Hills](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7841188) by [sunkelles](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunkelles/pseuds/sunkelles). 



> I do not own anything.  
> Will I ever stop killing Wally in fics?  
> This was a monster of a fic to work on and get out, but I think I'm happy with it. There's references to a few different snaibsel fics by @sunkelles in here.  
> MERRY CHRISTMAS SUNKELLES!

Damn it. Damn Wally and damn her for falling in love with a hero. Artemis watched him die, fade into nothing. She doesn't ask where he went, he's gone, went to the one place she can't follow him to. Tears escape her eyes and risk freezing on her cheeks as her knees hit the snow and ice. Cold seeps in, the weather and the grief all at once. Damn him. Someone picks her up and gets her into the bioship.

Artemis stares out the window, there's no dust, no ash, no body to do anything with-it's almost like Wally never even existed. She just got back. They were supposed to work through their issues and come back to the Team-she brought it up. This is her fault, if she was content with the normal life they had he wouldn't have put on the suit and died.

No one touches her, no one tries to speak to her. The tears rolling down her face are silent and she wonders what her face looks like as the ground below blurs.

* * *

 

Artemis spends weeks freezing in the apartment. It's not hers but it's also not Wally's because he's gone, it was theirs and now he's gone. She doesn't really feel like she belongs in Palo Alto, but there's nowhere else to go. It takes three weeks just to finally sort almost all of Wally's things, the Wests asked for a few things and she's sure Bart wants some things too, but she keeps things they can't have. They don't need his old, worn out Stanford hoodie, they don't need his souvenirs from their old missions, don't need the ring she has a breakdown over.

They were going to get married one day. She would have said yes, would have been happy to get rid of her last name, one of the only things her father ever gave her. Artemis West, a dead dream, a future that died in front of her, she's still in love with a dead man. Maybe her heart died with him.

* * *

 

Artemis can't manage to do things quite like how Wally did-his recipes don't come out quite right when she tries, and she can't even order their takeout orders. A few of the delivery people ask if Wally's okay, there's a reason they order frequently and it was always Wally's bottomless stomach. Artemis isn't sure why she orders Chinese food or pizza or Indian or any of it. It's not going to bring him back and every old place that delivers asks if Wally's okay, or why she ordered so little this time. She always manages to say something about him being gone, gone gone, it wasn't his choice to leave her, and tips them before she can cry in front of familiar strangers.

It's hard to let go of a future she'd already planned, and it's harder to convince herself to function most of the time. Time passes and she doesn't notice, the clock on the wall might as well be in the trash and her phone's dead more often than not. If her phone is dead, she doesn't have to answer it and she doesn't have to see all of the messages asking her how she is. A brief thought of painting something in neon that says she isn't fine is tempting, but that would take effort. Most days she gets lost in her thoughts, a ghost online and in her living room. She can't sleep in their bed, it's not that Wally haunts her, it's that the memories do and somehow that's just worse.

There are things she writes down because she doesn't want to forget them, the way Wally laughed too hard at bad jokes, the exact color of his eyes, his favorite songs, the way they intertwined at night-a mess of warm limbs and safety. All of it seems too personal, too detailed, too private and secret to ever tell another person about, let alone a perfect stranger like a therapist.

Every so often people knock on the door, and she's almost always sure they're from the League or Team, but they all eventually leave.

 _Lights are off, no one's home, come back never,_  Artemis wants to say. They can't talk to her if they think the apartment's empty after all. It's almost easier to live in the pain haze instead of deal with it, it doesn't seem like there's much to even deal with on paper, Wally is dead and she isn't. All he had to do was live. That was all he had to goddamn do and he took her heart with him and it's hard to breathe. It doesn't really get better.

It's not like she and Wally had a plan for what happened after she got back-they were going to figure it out together, no one was sure when she and Kaldur would be back. Stanford thought she finished her semester out and nothing else, and all of her friends on the League and Team thought she was dead. It's easier to not talk to them, there's still the fact she was pretending to be dead and now Wally actually is. They must be angry, she knows everyone mourned and grieved her, but she doesn't have the energy to deal with it. Artemis knows there's been enough grief with the League and Team, they lost Jason, Tula, her and then Wally. It's too much to deal with, there's too much grief there and she can barely handle her own.

She doesn't want to talk to Dick about how Wally managed to know where good food was no matter where they went, or how it took them a while to get used to his speedtalking. Artemis doesn't want to look Kaldur in the eyes and wonder if any of it was actually worth it, she was gone for the last few months of Wally's life and she can't help but hate herself for it.

If she ever actually talked to any of the Team, they'd want to help, and she's not sure she wants that. Moping sounds pretty damn good, it's the first time in her life she's only had time to herself, no expectations or time limits and she doesn't want either for her grief. They must hate her, for just faking her death and then putting them through that and living while Wally died. All he had to do was just stay home and work on his homework-she managed to send an email to someone at Stanford and tell them he died. There's still unfinished homework on the coffee table, notes and textbooks and his planner. It's so hard to look at. She can't help but wonder what the last thing he wrote was.

She doesn't need anyone to make her feel guilty that she's alive and she pretended she wasn't-her family knows she's alive and that's enough.

* * *

 

Artemis moves without a a word, most of her things are still in Palo Alto, but fuck, it's hard to look at anything there without thinking of Wally. For whatever reason, the League is still paying for that apartment so she keeps it that way.

So she moves, a few hours away from Palo Alto, all new apartment, fake name, and new IKEA furniture. The stuff from IKEA forces her to do things, put together a bed, organize her kitchen somewhat, but it's still hard to wake up and breathe, eat, repeat. There are mornings she still wakes up, arm reaching for him on the other side of the bed. Those are the worst mornings because she forgets, she forgets that he's just gone, she almost wonders where he is and calls his name. Artemis knows the five stages of grief, she's heard of them and about how they can go out of order. She thinks distantly, that if she gets to anger, someone might have to stop her. From what, she's not really sure, but if she ever manages to get enough energy to do anything again, they'll have to make sure she doesn't spiral.

Her phone beeps, despite the fact it's constantly on Do Not Disturb mode and she looks over at it. Someone tripped the motion sensors at the apartment in Palo Alto, and she taps on the app to see the footage.

Zatanna Zatara. She hasn't actually seen any of the Team since the week after Wally died and she took time for herself, she's not sure how long that's been. Come to think of it, she can't remember the last time she ate either.

 _I'm not there. What do you want, Zatanna?_  Artemis sends the text without a second thought and is too tired to be startled when Zatanna appears in her living room.

"Oh my god," Zatanna says, taking the room in front of her.

"Most people begin with hello," Artemis retorts dryly.

"We're worried about you," Zatanna says instead of addressing that, looking at Artemis.

"Why? It's not like you have a shortage of archers," Artemis says, looking at a particular spot on the wall. It's so much easier to stare at the wall than one of her closest friends. Zatanna must hate her too, she thought Artemis was dead like the rest of the League. Zatanna sighs at her.

"We're worried because we're your friends and no one has heard from you since you got his stuff to the Wests," Zatanna says. Artemis is thankful she doesn't say his name.

"Well, I'm alive. So go back to the League and tell them I'm fine," Artemis says, almost like she's snapping at her, but there isn't any anger to it. She just wants Zatanna to leave, let her deal with the shards of her stattered life on her own, she's briefly aware of how her apartment looks and how things must look to Zatanna. Still, that's not enough to make her care for more than a minute.

"But you're not. You're not fine at all. Your apartment in Palo Alto's like a memorial to him," Zatanna says softly.

"It's not like there was a body to bury or a grave to visit," Artemis snaps at her. It's not her fault, it isn't, Artemis knows it's her own damn fault and it's Wally's fault for being a hero. They both share the blame, but she knows she's the only one who sees it like that. God, there's probably some memorial for him in the-the Cave got blown up while she was undercover. She almost wants to ask where the new HQ is, but she doesn't really care. It's not like she's coming back or like anyone wants her to. Maybe Kid Flash and Artemis can die together, at least in that way. It's hard to even think about going back.

"I know," Zatanna says in that same damn tone.

"I'm fine," Artemis insists, voice almost steady.

"I'm going to come back next week," Zatanna tells her as her phone rings and leaves in a puff of smoke.

* * *

Seven days pass in a blur and Artemis hears a knock on the door. Zatanna has pizza, steam coming out of the box.

"I have food," Zatanna tells her and if she wasn't mourning, Artemis might laugh at the fact that's what she opened with.

"I can see that," Artemis says and opens the door.

"You're letting me in?" Zatanna asks, almost incredulous.

"It's not like a lock is going to stop you," Artemis retorts and Zatanna feels guilty about last week, but not guilty enough to stop. Artemis needs her help and she's going to get it. Artemis knows they can both hear her stomach growl as Zatanna shuts and locks the front door.

* * *

 

Artemis opens up slowly. Zatanna doesn't mention the others unless Artemis asks directly, she doesn't want to overwhelm her.

"How long has it been since you've eaten?" Zatanna asks, watching her take another piece of pizza. Artemis shrugs like it doesn't matter and asks her what day it is.

"It's Thursday," Zatanna says.  _Fuck, she thought it was like Sunday._

Zatanna stays for another hour before she has to go-someone's trying to destroy a bridge somewhere, Artemis doesn't catch all of it. Zatanna doesn't give her a sad look, just tells her to finish that pizza off before she comes back to check in on her again. Artemis speaks up before Zatanna leaves.

"You can come back sooner, next time," Artemis says softly and there's a twitch of Zatanna's lips that might just be a smile-but she disappears with a few words. It was a moment of weakness but she knows it's safe with Zatanna. There are a few people she can be weak in front of, and Zatanna is still one of them.

* * *

 

Artemis wonders if Zatanna will bring someone with her next time, or if it's just going to be them, like they used to be before they both got into dating and Artemis stopped doing missions. They were unstoppable when they teamed up together-none of them ever really felt comfortable patrolling solo after Jason died.

Zatanna always made sure they never ran into the Joker because she knew Artemis would try to break his face with her bare hands. There's still anger there, old but not forgotten. If she could-she'd kill the Joker and throttle him, make him pay, make him suffer for the way he made Jason suffer-the way they suffered. Artemis pictures Bruce or Dick peeling her away as she kicks and screams at him as it happens. Artemis likes to think that she understands Bruce on some level, but she still doesn't understand how he didn't kill the Joker, how he didn't just let him die at one point.

At least Wally died quickly, he wasn't in pain, it was quick-just like he was. Artemis can't help but think of Tula and Kaldur and wonders how he got through it-his feelings for her were quiet. Tula made the choice to die and none of them stopped her. She died a hero too, to save their friends, to do what she could. Artemis only knew Kaldur liked her because of the time they spent together, there wasn't anything to do but talk. She'd like to think that they were close and maybe if he wasn't leading the Team she'd call him. Still, Kaldur has enough weight on his shoulders-he doesn't need her fresh grief or the distraction.

It all comes back to the Team. Moving forward, looking back, it all comes back to being lucky she was on the Team, lucky she made it. She doesn't really want to contemplate what might have happened if she hadn't joined the Team, if she hadn't befriended Dick and Barbara at school or hadn't stuck with the Team when it got rough. Maybe Wally would still be alive, maybe M'gann wouldn't have almost fried Kaldur's brain, maybe things would have been better for them. It's too hard to think about the possibilities, the idea that maybe the others would be off without her, but at the same time she knows she's been cutting herself off from them.

Artemis goes out and buys books she's been meaning to read, messy hair, messy everything honestly, but it's still a little better than moping. She has money for now, she needs to look into that sooner rather than later, but even going out to get books was enough for one day. She thinks she sees Wally in every redhead she sees, even if they're too short or too young or their hair is different.

It's hot and the sun is shining, even though it feels like the world ended, and she thinks it should be raining, dark and gloomy like she is. Wally is gone. Wally is not coming back. Thinking about the future leaves her cold, numb and uneasy-Wally always said they'd handle it together-then he'd call her babe or kiss her. The memories of Wally that she dwells on don't help her hurt heart but she can't stop. She's not sure if she'd want to get rid of the memories of Wally either, they're some of the only thing she has left of him, after all.

* * *

 

Zatanna comes over this time with a few bags of food, letting herself in, putting the food away. She's in summer clothes, Artemis can't remember the last time she saw Zatanna in normal clothes and not her costume.

"Morning. It's Sunday," Zatanna says and Artemis takes that in. After a few more minutes of Zatanna puttting groceries away, plastic bags rustling in the kitchen, she settles on the couch next to her. Artemis slowly shares her thoughts, somehow it's easy to let all of the thoughts in her brain just come out of her mouth without a filter for once. Zatanna carefully touches her hand with careful fingers and Artemis tries to think of the last time someone touched her. It might have been Mary West, the last time she saw Wally's family.

"Artemis? You just stopped talking," Zatanna says softly and Artemis nods. A wave of memories hit her as Zatanna looks at her, Wally isn't ever going to hold her hand, never going to nudge her free hand during class and give her a secret grin like touching hands could be scandalous. She's never going to reach for his hand again, he's never going to cross the street with her ever again and she's been mourning him for a few weeks but thoughts like that just start the process all over again. There's always something else to miss, something new to cry over and remember.

"I think the last person who touched me was Wally's mom. She hugged me when I gave them some of his stuff. I-I can't remember when that was," Artemis admits, looking at their touching hands.

Zatanna moves slowly, reaching forward to hug Artemis and Artemis leans into it. Zatanna holds her tightly, like she'll never go or leave, never fade and Artemis feels secure.

"I don't know what to do anymore," Artemis admits, tears pricking her eyes as she tries to blink them away. She doesn't really want to cry into Zatanna's shoulder but Zatanna just holds on to her.

"It's okay to not know," Zatanna says and Artemis feels more tears escape into Zatanna's shirt.

"I don't ever want to feel like this again, I don't want to get close and then just-I don't want to lose anyone, Zee. I want to stop losing people. I don't ever want to lose you," Artemis cries and it's like a dam has broken as the tears come out in full force.

"It's okay, I'm here, I'm not leaving anytime soon, okay? I've got you, and we're gonna be okay," Zatanna murmurs. Artemis shakes her head and Zatanna nods.

"Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow or next week. But we're going to be okay in the long run. We just have to get through today. And the next day until it isn't as hard anymore," Zatanna murmurs. Artemis just cries, it's not easy and it's not pretty, but it doesn't matter.

* * *

 

The week after that, Zatanna comes over and stays for a few hours again, every few days. Artemis goes out with her, they buy groceries and go do normal, routine things. The first person Artemis agrees to see is Dick, because he loved Wally as much as she did, and he's still one of her closest friends. When Artemis opens the door, he snares her in a hug and she cries again. It's a step forward but a painful one as Artemis explains what she can to him, and he talks to her about Wally, their favorite memories.

"I just can't believe he's just gone," Artemis says and Dick nods. He doesn't bring up the Team or Barbara or how they've been here before, mourning Team members-he just goes with the conversation. There's stress and pain and anger from everyone else because they were deceived, but at least Dick isn't mad that she disappeared for a while-he knew.

"We miss you. I miss you the most as your favorite-" Dick begins and Zatanna's eyes meet his, daring him to finish that statement.

"-person on the Team, but the others miss you too. I get your need for space and time, but if you ever need someone to patrol with, I'm here too," Dick says and Artemis nods. She kind of wishes there was a funeral, just for closure and a few tears escape her eyes as she thinks about that. Dick would have gotten up to say something about his best friend and Artemis always thought he'd give the best man speech at their wedding, always thought he'd be Wally's best man.

"I'm here, if you ever need anything," Dick tells her, hand wrapping around hers before she nods. Then he's out the door, back out into the dangerous world they live in. Artemis wants to wrap everyone up in bubble wrap, just keep them safe and from harm. Maybe there's industrial sized bubble wrap for that kind of thing. A giggle escapes her mouth and Zatanna looks at her startled, with her eyebrows together in concern. One step forward and another step back in some ways.

* * *

 

Roy and Cheshire come to visit with Lian. Zatanna's with her more often than not it seems and sometimes stays over in the guest bedroom.

"You need to talk to Green, he misses you. He and Canary have been asking me about how you're doing and I haven't had a good answer. No one's seen you in ages except Zatanna," Roy says. Artemis feels on edge, it makes it sound like she's neglected everyone. She's about to say that she's just doing her best but Roy raises his hands.

"I'm just saying, it's been a while. You're going through hell and no one's mad at you. They just miss you. Call them. Text them, something," Roy says. Artemis notices the fact Jade hasn't let go of his hand the entire time they've been at her apartment.

"We'd love to have you babysit when you're feeling up for it," Jade hints, and Artemis gives her a halfhearted laugh.

"Hold Lian," Jade says and gives Lian to Roy, it still catches Zatanna off guard to see Jade and Roy like this. Jade wraps her sister in a hug.

"I'm here. If you want to talk or kill something," Jade begins so quietly Artemis is pretty sure only she can hear it and nods.

"Or someone," Jade adds, even quieter and Artemis lets out a humorless laugh and Jade ends the hug as Lian begins fussing. They don't ask why Zatanna's there or why she moved out of Palo Alto, they just accept it and Artemis is grateful.

* * *

 

One by one, Artemis sees her friends again. Barbara asks if they can meet in Gotham for coffee sometime.

"We could see your mom before Barbara gets out of class," Zatanna says and Artemis nods.

"Or just you," Zatanna adds a few seconds later. Artemis never really brought friends home regularly but Zatanna visited a few times. It'd be good for her mom to see them both, Artemis thinks.

"Both of us," Artemis decides.

* * *

 

It gets easier, slowly. Sometimes progress feels like a slow crawl and sometimes it's a step forward and two steps back. There are days where Artemis just cries and Zatanna just hands her ice cream. There are days they go to the gym or out for lunch, Artemis slowly gets her life back together in fragments. She signs up for the next semester at Stanford, she still has an an entire shrine of an apartment there, like a time capsule but with more dust.

* * *

 

Zatanna walks through the door with food and Artemis realizes Zatanna hasn't been on the news for a few minutes. The criminal was defeated, the Leaguers who were fighting him are gone-the weatherman is talking about the heat.

"Hey," Artemis says, painfully aware of the fact it's been months and she hasn't addressed the elephant in the apartment.

"Yeah?" Zatanna asks, setting the food in the kitchen.

"I never really thanked you," Artemis tells her as Zatanna settles on the couch next to her. Zatanna tucks hair behind her ear before she responds, Zatanna somehow manages to look gorgeous as always-even after a fight and when she's confused.

"For this. For everything. I know you know I'm bad at thank yous, but seriously. There's no way I could ever repay you," Artemis says, and if she was younger the truth to the words would have made her uneasy. Sportsmaster made her thank him for everything-even the things he should have done as her father. He also taught her to always make things even, to never owe anyone anything-never get in too deep. Artemis didn't learn that lesson, she fell hard for Wally and she never really looked back.

"You don't have to repay me. You're my best friend. You'd do the same thing for me," Zatanna says and Artemis knows she would. Still, Zatanna saw her when she was pretty damn low and stuck with her. Memories flash under her eyelids, Artemis remembers how much of a mess Zatanna was when Doctor Fate stole her father. Artemis smiles when Zatanna does, and she thinks that things are going to be okay.

* * *

 

Artemis returns to the Team before she starts her next semester at Stanford. It's hard to fly solo, hard to go back when she knows people are going to ask where Wally is, and she knows the anniversaries are going to be harder. The Team is family, and seeing them after so long is like coming home in a way. It's still stilted, awkward and a little uncomfortable, so many of them thought she was dead for so long-but no one mentions it. She's thankful that she doesn't have to deal with that immediately.

"We're glad to have you back," Kaldur speaks first and Artemis smiles slightly, still tense. They're not in the Cave anymore, and that's better and worse at the same time. Old memories of Wally can't haunt her but the fact he should be checking the new place out with her does.

"You're not cleared for active duty on the Team yet, we're going to have to do the psych eval and all of that first," Dick reminds her and Artemis nods. The Team talks to her, one by one. Everyone's there but Bart, and she wants to ask but doesn't. She's thankful that he isn't there-even if he doesn't look too much like Wally. Seeing him in the Kid Flash costume with that red hair of his-she's not sure if she could handle that. Artemis doesn't want to see the new memorial room either, see that grin and his face in hologram form. Fuck having a hologram, she wants him in the flesh, holding her so tightly he almost can't breathe. Artemis blinks away a few tears, that's impossible and she knows that.

All he had to do was just stay normal, never put the costume on again. He died to save the world and she needs normalcy-she's going back into the life they tried so damn hard to leave. Artemis wonders if he'd be happy with her choice, if he knows what she's doing, if he can see her from wherever he is now. It'd be reassuring if she just knew he was there with her in some capacity, if she could tell everyone that it's not so bad, they're not alone, he didn't just leave them alone. She wishes she could say Wally didn't leave her and that he never left.

"Artemis?" A familiar voice asks and she realizes she's been staring at a wall. The others are gone, it's just Dinah and Oliver.

"Green?" Artemis looks over to see him standing there, with look of concern she's all too familiar with. Dinah's with him too, and Artemis realizes she's trapped in a way.

"Can we talk somewhere else? Somewhere more private?" Dinah asks carefully and Artemis nods. She had to expect this, she couldn't avoid them forever after all.

* * *

 

Lunch with Dinah and Oliver isn't quite as hard as she expected. It's still hard, but their voices are soft, and she agrees to seeing Dinah once a week.

"I'm not up for being on the Team yet, and I'd like to patrol with you. Star City, just like we used to," Artemis tells Oliver, she wants the familiarity of it and they haven't talked in too long. She hasn't done a lot of things in way too long.

"Of course," Oliver smiles and Artemis knows it's genuine and she wants to tell him he hasn't doomed his proteges, she wishes she could have told them she wasn't dead. She knows he blamed himself for her "death", Roy's obsession with finding Arsenal, and Arsenal's fate with Cadmus. Maybe patrolling together again will help them both. Artemis knows she should meet Arsenal too, but that's for another time. There's a lot of things she keeps putting off to another time. She has all the time in the world. There's pain in her chest knowing Wally doesn't have any time at all, but she has to keep moving, has to keep breathing.

* * *

 

"What's all this?" Zatanna asks and Artemis sighs from her spot on the floor, taping up a cardboard box.

"I need to move back before I go back to school. I'll go back to Palo Alto for school," Artemis tells her with the rip of another piece of tape.

"I'll help you pack," Zatanna says. Artemis wonders if Zatanna will ever get tired of listening to her talk about it or putting up with her. Still, she helps Artemis get everything into boxes, moved back to the apartment in Palo Alto. It still doesn't feel like it's just hers, but it's not really Wally's anymore either. Zatanna offers to move some of the spare furniture to Shadowcrest, there isn't enough space for all of it and Artemis wonders how she got so lucky. Zatanna is the best friend she could have asked for and she orders pizza as Zatanna magics some of the furniture to her house.

"It's going to be thirty minutes for pizza. Can we get this wrapped up before then? And are you going to stay with me or are you going home tonight?" Artemis asks. It's almost like having a sleepover sometimes, but Artemis wonders if Shadowcrest is too big for one person-or if she's just concerned. Maybe they both have ghosts haunting them and maybe Zatanna doesn't want to be left alone with hers either.

"Definitely," Zatanna grins and Artemis finishes the phone call. The rest of the night is quiet. The pizza is good, they watch Netflix, Zatanna stays in the guest bedroom and the apartment feels like home for the night. It's not a shrine, it's not just hers or just Wally's, it's just the apartment and she's okay with that.

* * *

 

Wally is gone. Artemis manages to talk to Barry about it, for the first time after she moves back to Palo Alto.

"Is there any chance he's alive? In the speedforce or-" Artemis takes a shuddering breath and Barry looks at her with those kind but sad eyes. She knows the answer but she needs to hear him say it.

"No. I'm sorry. I wish I could say he's coming back, but he went so quickly he burned up. There's no chance he's alive," Barry tells her and a few tears escape Artemis's eyes. It's better to know, there's no hope, there's no chance, she has to move on. She's been trying, but she thinks that maybe she needed to kill that little shred of hope, that voice in the back of her head that still hopes Wally's alive.

* * *

 

Artemis slips back into her old routine, she has full days trying to juggle college, the Team, and her friends. There are good and bad days, sometimes she's fine to get out and deal with everything life wants to throw at her. Then there are days she has to drag herself out of bed and getting through the day feels overwhelming. It gets better. She had her friends and her family. Though Jade isn't exactly the best person to get mushy with, she listens. Her mom is better, offering sage advice when they have time for tea.

There are long hours shooting at archery ranges and at criminals, there are long hours of class and homework, and Artemis realizes one day she's come to terms with it. Wally died. She's still alive. Wally died doing what he loved and he made the choice. He knew the risks, he knew that he might die, but he went out anyway, he died to save the world and that was his choice. Artemis knows he wouldn't change the choice if he could and maybe she'll see him again.

She won't see him soon, won't see him in a few years. She plans to live as long as she can, she wants to make the League, wants to go out with a bang, but that's decades away. The thought is oddly comforting, she's going to make it. For so long, it felt like her life was over, but she knows she has a future, and Wally would want her to live life to the fullest. For the first time in months, the idea of Wally watching her from wherever he is doesn't feel like a heavy weight on her.

Maybe Wally is watching, maybe he isn't, but she knows she can't live her live to please a dead man. She loves him, she's not going to move on for a while, her heart is still raw and the grief is still too fresh. Still, her head and heart feel a bit lighter.

 _Hey, I'm free tonight, want me to come over with dinner?_  The text from Zatanna catches her attention and it takes a few seconds for Artemis to read it through the tears she's blinking away.

Yeah. I'd like that. Artemis sends the text and they coordinate how long it'll be until they can eat dinner, Artemis has homework to get done and Zatanna has an hour left on duty. She's been a steady constant and she's over more often than not-the idea of Zatanna always being her best friend is one of the most comforting thoughts she's had.

* * *

 

Despite the fact she's come to terms with the fact Wally would have died over and over to save the world, she's still grieving. It's not something she can bottle up or shove into a drawer. The anger still catches her sometimes, anger she missed his last few months, anger that he died at all, that he was such a hero, and at herself. It comes out when she spars sometimes, it comes out when she shoots for hours and hours, when she pushes herself too hard to work out. It's not like she can kill everyone in the Reach, she can't kill the idiots responsible, and even if she could-she's not sure if that's a line she could cross. Wally wouldn't want her to become a murderer for him, but they killed him. They're the reason he's gone and never coming back.

Sometimes all she can do is beat the anger out, to let it come out. It's not constructive, it doesn't help really, but it helps her. Sometimes she spars with Dick, he's always good to help her sharpen her skills, sometimes it's Kaldur, or Dinah. Dinah's always up for listening, even when the words come out wrong. It's easier to tell Dinah, Kaldur and Dick have their own grief for Wally-Dinah doesn't, really.

* * *

 

"I'm still trying to come to terms with it. I have to live because he doesn't, and I feel like I should be out there, doing something more than what I'm doing," Artemis admits, and Dinah nods.

"All you can to do is live," Dinah says sagely and Artemis blinks away a few tears, she's going to have to explain she wanted to say the same thing to Wally. Dinah wraps her in a warm hug and she lets the tears fall as she tries to gather her thoughts. Dinah isn't wrong, though.

* * *

 

Classes and the Team get easier. Bart avoids seeing her for a while. Artemis still isn't sure what to think of him, he needs to go back to the future-but everyone seems opposed to that idea. His pod was made for a one way trip, but his father is currently a baby-he can't stay forever. Thinking of timelines and consequences gives her a headache, it's not really her problem.

She didn't really think of him much before Wally died. She's glad that some people still think Kid Flash is around, but Wally isn't. Still, Bart always seems to make Jaime smile, which is cute. He's more a part of the Wests and their family than she will be, and she wonders if that's part of the reason she's avoided him.

Wally died next to him and Barry, that must have traumatized them both, but she's been caught in the web of her own grief. Barry doesn't blame her, she knows Dinah talks to him and probably lets him know she's okay. Artemis wonders distantly if she is okay, her grief has been messy and long, and endless.

Still, it's gotten easier to see him zip around in red and yellow, it's easy to go do missions with the Team, and to patrol with her friends and Ollie. Zatanna's always up for doing something or nothing with her and Artemis wonders if she should get her a cake or something,  _thanks for putting me back together_  or something. Logically, Artemis knows eventually she would have gotten out of the grief haze, but Zatanna carefully pushed her to get out, pushed her and let her cry, be blind with rage and anger, listened to her rant and talk about Wally than anyone else.

* * *

It's been a few weeks since Zatanna's actually gone home to Shadowcrest, the guest bedroom is just Zatanna's. It's like a fact of life, the sky is blue, she's five feet and six inches tall, and she doesn't really have a guest bedroom anymore, it's just Zatanna's room.

"Do you want to just move in?" Artemis blurts when Zatanna walks through the door with Greek food from one of their favorite places. That usually means taking a trip through a zeta tube, Artemis is curious if she was there for League stuff or if it just sounded good.

"I mean, for real. It's not like I'm where I was a few months ago-I don't need anyone to watch me-I just thought since you haven't-" Artemis begins and Zatanna smile as she sets the plastic bag of food down on the counter. The plastic crinkles and the smell of warm pita bread hits her nose and Artemis waits for Zatanna to say something.

"I'd love that," Zatanna says and they can talk about it over dinner, but Artemis wonders if there's another reason Zatanna wants to stay. Maybe Shadowcrest is a little haunted too, but that's for another day.

* * *

 

The transition of Zatanna from guest to roommate is easy. It's a few boxes from Shadowcrest that Zatanna's already unpacked when Artemis gets home a few days later, done.

"Was it weird going back?" Artemis asks, shutting the door and Zatanna nods. Artemis knows Zatanna doesn't bring hard subjects up until she's ready and she respects that-she's the same way.

"Let's get Chinese food in Bludhaven with Dick and Barbara tonight," Zatanna suggests and Artemis thinks about the last time they went, with way too much food crammed in a plastic bag before they teleported home after patrolling.

"I love your brain," Artemis says and Zatanna gives her a quick smile for that before she texts Barbara back.

* * *

 

There's not a miracle cure to stop thinking about Wally, but it hurts less and less. Artemis knows all she has to do is live. Living is school, the Team, hanging out with her friends, seeing her family. Artemis isn't alone and she's aware of how much better she feels surrounded by people who care-instead of haunting her apartment like a ghost. It feels so much better sometimes to just watch movies with M'gann or work out with Conner, talk to Barbara and eat with Zatanna than sitting and moping did. Artemis will admit, it was nice to mope-nice to have her thoughts, but no one is spewing false positivity at her, and she's breathing.

"Woah, why's Wonder Woman in the Cave?" Garfield asks and Artemis turns her head, reminded that she needs to focus on what's going on. Everyone on the Team sees Leaguers, they work with them, they train with them, but some are harder to see than others. There are Leaguers who are usually too busy to be in the Cave, and Artemis can't remember how many times she's actually  _seen_  Wonder Woman. Wonder Girl smiles at her mentor, but she's not walking to Cassie-she's walking to Artemis.

"Artemis, may I have a word with you?" Wonder Woman asks. She'd be worried, but the tone of Wonder Woman's voice is kind, Artemis knows she's not in trouble. Artemis nods, she doesn't trust herself to say something coherent-she's seen Wonder Woman in action and in person before, but she's never actually talked to her, asked her a question or been alone with her before. She kind of looks like the regal translator and guide for the UN that's dating Queen Audrey of Kaznia up close. Artemis can't remember the name of that UN guide- Diane something maybe. That woman is probably just human, she wears glasses and Wonder Woman has perfect vision, and she has perfect everything from wisdom to speed. Artemis can picture her as someone who spends her time in museums, restoring them maybe, a quiet job among things as old but ageless as she is. It's so odd to walk next to  _Wonder Woman,_ she's so tall-Artemis notices their six inch height difference.

"How are you?" Wonder Woman asks as Artemis follows her to a private room. The new place that isn't the Cave-it's still weird to get used to.

"I'm fine, how are you?" Artemis asks as they walk, wondering what Wonder Woman would want to talk to her, of all people, about.

"I am well. I know it's hard to lose someone the way you did, and if you want to talk, I'm here," Wonder Woman says as the door shuts behind her. Artemis looks at the room, it's small, but the two couches don't make it feel cramped-just cozy. The Amazon sits on the couch across from her, regal and kind. It's hard to think when those blue eyes are on her, Artemis remembers seeing her on TV as a kid, and even recently. It takes a minute for her brain to work and for words to come out.

"Who'd you lose?" Artemis asks, and she hates the phrase. They didn't lose people. They aren't lost, they can't find their loved ones on a map and bring them home. They're just-gone. Still, she's not going to talk about how she doesn't like the phrase with Wonder Woman, it's just a dumb little thing.

"His name was Steve. Steve Trevor," Wonder Woman says and she begins telling the story of how she met this man. As she listens, Artemis can't help but picture Steve looking like Chris Pine. Wonder Woman is always beautiful, but the way her face is soft and fond as she talks about Steve-she looks human in the best way.

"He said he could save the day and that I could save the world. The plane was gone and so was he. It was his choice, if I could go back and change things-I wouldn't try to force his hand. Knowing there's not a body, not a grave-it makes grieving harder. There isn't a place to visit. I wish I had a specific site to visit, but I don't. I don't think you do either," Wonder Woman says. Artemis waits for her to speak again, she's not sure what to say to that.

"It seems so easy to isolate yourself and to not get attached again, not just to romantic partners-but to anyone. You're here, with your friends and you're trying. I admire your strength. It is one of the hardest things in the world to keep going when all you want to do is stop," Wonder Woman says and Artemis bites her lip.

"I'm not telling you to forget Wally. I still think of Steve. There isn't a timeline or date you have to feel better by. Things come in their own time and you might only love him for the rest of your life. It's okay to love someone else after him- but don't be afraid of love or be afraid to live your life," Wonder Woman says and Artemis nods, taking that in.

"Thank you," Artemis says. It's two words, she wants to say a million more, thank you for everything, for sharing, taking time, but Wonder Woman smiles at her like she understands what she means.

* * *

 

"Wonder Woman talked to you?" Zatanna asks when she back to the apartment. Artemis wonders why she doesn't sound more surprised.

"Yeah. It was really nice. Why don't you sound more surprised?" Artemis asks, one eyebrow raised, finding Zatanna in the kitchen.

"She asked if you'd be with the Team today, I kind of figured she was going to talk to you about the League or something. We could always use more ladies in the League, you know," Zatanna tells her and Artemis knows she could join. Things are stable, things are really good actually-but she wants to stick with the Team for a bit longer.

"She talked to me about Wally," Artemis says and Zatanna's easy smile disappears.

"Did it help?" Zatanna asks quietly, leaning against their kitchen counter.

"Yeah. She talked about someone she lost and said if I ever wanted to talk-not just about him-she would listen," Artemis says and Zatanna takes that in. Zatanna always looks gorgeous, but the loose ponytail her hair is in makes Artemis wonder how many times she's actually seen her best friend with her hair up.

"That's really nice," Zatanna says and for some reason-some of Wonder Woman's words echo in her head as she looks at Zatanna again.

"Yeah. Are you making that pesto dish again?" Artemis asks, their kitchen smells like basil and it's heavenly. Zatanna turns her head sharply and looks at the oven. There's still five minutes left on the timer.

"Right. Dinner. Yeah, is that okay?" Zatanna wonders and Artemis grins as her stomach growls. Zatanna laughs.

"Good answer," Zatanna winks and Artemis has an odd feeling in her stomach. Maybe it's the fact she hasn't eaten in a few hours. It can't be anything else. It isn't, Artemis tells herself.

* * *

 

For everything Artemis and Zatanna are, they're kind of oblivious-and Dinah wants to tell her that.

Zatanna smiles anytime someone mentions Artemis, and always volunteers to team up with her. Artemis calls her babe and grabs her hand when they walk on busy streets-the last thing she wants is to lose Zatanna in a crowd.

"Do you like Zatanna?" Dinah asks quietly at brunch. It's just her, Oliver and Artemis in the busy restaurant and Artemis loves that. Being out with them in public with their blonde hair-they could pass as a family of some kind-like she's their niece. She basically is anyway, Dinah and Oliver are family in her book. Oliver shoots his wife a confused look as he sips at his coffee and Artemis tries her best to not choke on hers.

"As friends, yeah. I mean, we live together, we get along-she's my best friend," Artemis says and Dinah shakes her head.

"I mean as more than friends," Dinah tells her in a gentle tone. Oliver and Artemis both send confused looks her way and Dinah looks at them.

"Alright, I'll drop it, I was just curious," Dinah says and Oliver shares a confused look with Artemis before they return to normal conversation.

"Do you have time to go to the Quiver with me after this? I have some new arrows in," Ollie whispers across the table and Artemis grins widely.

"I do, that sounds awesome," Artemis whispers back. The topic of Zatanna is forgotten for a while, they focus on eating.

* * *

 

The Quiver is always fun to visit, Oliver always has something fun to do and he has his own archery range.

"Dinah and I used to be close friends before we started dating," Oliver tells her and Artemis nods.

"I knew that," she replies as she picks a target. The new arrows are fun to shoot with but the weight of them is something she needs to get used to.

"I think what Dinah was trying to say is that you two are close, and it wouldn't be totally unexpected if you two started dating," Oliver says finally, testing the string on the compound bow in his hands. Artemis thinks about it as she shoots until she's out of the new arrows. Zatanna is gorgeous and they've known each other forever, she's pretty much her type, they already have the trust and friendship Artemis decided she wanted in relationships after she started hers with Wally. Dating Zatanna doesn't sound bad, she can see herself joining the League, getting married and a power couple like Dinah and Oliver. Maybe getting their own city to fight crime in, settling down-none of it is startling or scary.

The uncertainty of her future has always worried Artemis, but that-that sounds nice. Artemis relaxes at the idea of being with Zatanna, partners in everything. It sounds secure, it makes sense and it would be perfect.

"I don't know if she's into me, though. I know she's been into girls and she's been into guys, but-I don't know. And I don't want her to think she's a rebound. She's not," Artemis sighs. Then, there's Wally-she's not in love with him anymore, the thought of him still hurts, but it's dull-he would want her to move on. Wally told her over and over that he just wanted her to be happy. She can't really use him as an excuse to be afraid of figuring out what she and Zatanna have. They're friends-but not in the way Artemis is friends with M'gann or Barbara or Karen, she doesn't want to listen to every single thing Barbara has ever thought or spend as much time as she can with her. Her friends are sweet and kind, but Artemis realizes as she reflects on her interactions with Zatanna versus their other friends-it's more inclined to romance than platonic love. Maybe this isn't one sided and maybe there's potential there, but Artemis needs time to think about it.

"It's been too long for anyone you date to be a rebound," Oliver tells her and Artemis bites her lip.

"You don't have to tell me what you're thinking about Zatanna, but I do need your opinion on those arrows," Oliver gives her a light hearted grin and Artemis tries to gather her thoughts on both of those topics.

* * *

 

Artemis dated Wally for a few years, she forgot what realizing she was in love was like.

"I think I'm losing my mind," Artemis confesses to Dinah over lunch. Dinah grins at her like it's amusing and Artemis groans.

"I keep over analyzing everything. It's the worst," Artemis complains and Dinah stifles her laugh.

"Are you going to the League holiday party this weekend? You have an invite, you know," Dinah says quietly and Artemis shrugs.

"You can wear that green dress and your small mask," Dinah adds and Artemis thinks about it as she takes a bite of her burger.

"I'll be there. Who else is going?" Artemis asks. Dinah's phone beeps and she ignores it.

"Obviously, Oliver and I, I think all of the major Leaguers will be there, and I know Zatanna will be," Dinah tells her and Artemis rolls her eyes.

"Do I need to bring anything?" Artemis asks.

"I think it's being catered, because of a certain billionaire," Dinah says and Artemis laughs. Of course Bruce would go all out, she wonders how many of his kids will be there. It's been a few days since she's texted Barbara, maybe they can get shoes together or something-she's pretty sure she doesn't have any heels.

* * *

 

"Hey, the League party starts after I get out of class, so I figured I'd just come home and get ready then," Artemis says and Zatanna nods. She was kind of hoping they could go together, but it's fine.

"Cool. Hey-we haven't really talked in a while-are you okay?" Zatanna asks, blue eyes looking into brown eyes.

"I'm fine, just trying to figure some stuff out," Artemis excuses.

"Alright, if you want to talk, I'm here," Zatanna says and Artemis nods as she grabs a granola bar and pours coffee into a travel mug.

"See you tonight," Zatanna calls as Artemis is saying goodbye and out the front door. Artemis tries to ignore the butterflies in her stomach. It's going to be fine, all she has to do is get through it, and stop worrying about what will or won't happen. It's a party with her friends and the League, things have been great lately, and she shouldn't be stressing.

* * *

 

"You look amazing!" Dinah is the first to see her and Artemis gives her a nervous grin. It's still weird to be in the Watchtower-she remembers when she first found out it existed. There are familiar faces, Batman and a few of the other Leaguers are on duty so they're in full costume, but Wonder Woman, Barry, Captain Marvel, Oliver, and Superman are all wearing Santa hats. Christmas music is playing but it's easy to tune out, and the food smells amazing.

"You made it!" Barbara says, as she walks from the zeta tube to where Artemis and Dinah are standing.

"I did! Are you hungry? Because that buffet table looks amazing and I'm starving," Artemis says and Barbara laughs.

"He went all out, like always. Nightwing told me all about it," Barbara tells her as they walk over.

"How is Nightwing?" Artemis asks. If he's here, she can't see him, and the blue stripes are usually pretty easy to spot, even in a crowd.

"He'll be here soon. What about you? Do you have a date? Or are you here solo?" Barbara raises a perfect eyebrow and Artemis resists the urge to roll her eyes as she snags a cupcake.

"Solo," Artemis answers and Barbara opens her mouth to say something-but they see Dick.

"There's your boyfriend. Do you know what this thing is?" Artemis asks Dick and points to a row of multicolored pastries.

"I don't remember the name but they're good," Dick says and Barbara puts one on her plate.

"Hey, there's Zatanna," Dick says and Artemis spots her, looking gorgeous in a floral suit with dark lipstick. Dick and Barbara share a look Artemis misses and they watch Zatanna walk over. Barbara pecks Dick on the cheek and they move a few feet away.

"Glad you made it," Zatanna says and Dick clears his throat. Artemis looks to him in concern and he points up.

"You're under mistletoe. You have to kiss, those are the rules," Dick says mischievously and Artemis sets her plate down. Maybe she could just go for Zatanna's cheek-all of her thoughts stop when Zatanna's lips are on hers. It's a short kiss but sweet and Artemis leans into it, forgetting where they are for a moment. Zatanna pulls away first and the party is busy, but they've caught the attention of a few people.

"Finally," Barbara says and Artemis flushes with embarrassment. Were they that obvious? Did everyone think they were going to get together before she even figured out she was in love with Zatanna?

"Come on, let's go eat," Zatanna says, picking up her plate with one hand and Artemis's hand in the other. Artemis likes the feeling of her hand in Zatanna's, she's a great kisser and it's been forever since she's been kissed.

"That's a matte lipstick right? I don't have any on me?" Artemis finally manages to ask as they sit and Zatanna grins.

"It's matte, don't worry," Zatanna assures her and the rest of the night is good, it's fun and laughter. Artemis doesn't let herself think about the future and what it might mean for them, it's pretty obvious she and Zatanna are on the same page, and all she has to do is just live it.

**Author's Note:**

> Answer uncertain, try again later.


End file.
